Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Found your dick twin last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
