You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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