mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
