I love black thongs
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
