There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
