Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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