I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
