I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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