so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
