my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
