I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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