if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
