He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
