We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
