I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
