I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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