I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.