the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
