Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
