someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
