Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
