I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
