We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
