i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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