Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
