tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He did a backflip because drugs
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