she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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