It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
