i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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