She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He did a backflip because drugs
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
