her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
