if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
