He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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