They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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