I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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