I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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