This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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