the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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