i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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