Too much gin, very little bucket
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
