uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
