I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
