My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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