oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
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I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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