Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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