Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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