I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
