Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
