K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me