I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
40s are totally the cure
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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