the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16