ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.