my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying