So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
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Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.