my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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