Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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