I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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