I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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