I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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