I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
