My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
should my penis look like a turkey
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
