i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In other news, I just burned my penis
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
