he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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