Jerry, you need to find god
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
