I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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