well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
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We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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